Momma

Mother’s Day 2021 Poem

kubus was your nickname for me...
I wonder if you thought I forgot about it?

one of the few times you spoke Polish
so I don't think my friends ever got it

or ever asked about it

they still ask about you all the time and
remind me of how mommas never really pass

and they saw the stuff

shared the occasional puff, took a shot or 3
even popped a pick-me-up, or lay-me-down

though they never judged

but your heart was bigger than any habit
your smile healed more pain than it hid
if your efficiency was big enough to hold
the whole block's orphans, you invited them in

fed them with food you smuggled in
from a job as a day cook in sports bar
you waitressed on the weekends,
and on occasion even had to bartend

and in the 19 years I was lucky enough be around you
not once do I recall you ever fixing a meal for yourself

not once do I recall you ever taking your $300 weekly check
and buying yourself something nice for a change

not once do I recall you missing the chance to use your
tax return to make up for the birthdays and Christmas

we could never afford

once I reached the age of 12
you were my best friend more than my mother

I never hated the struggle more
than when it came through your eyes

and I resisted in some of the worst ways
hoping to make up for some of our worst days

like when I convinced you not to give me up
because you were good enough to raise me

or when, even though I wasn't around yet,
my sister's death nearly drove you insane

or when we got evicted again and found
everything we owned sitting out in the rain

or when the apartment burned down and the only thing
you cried over were my baby pictures you treasured

by the way I really hated those things

when I got locked up for the umpteenth time
and watched lady justice peek from under the blind

I didn't think it'd mean you'd get a dose of my karma too

I didn't think your habits would catch up so soon
or that you'd be laid off for taking some food

I didn't think after everyone you let in,
that anyone would leave you without a house

so when you became homeless, I felt my love for the streets
translated into you marrying them in memory of me

I've beat myself mentally senseless for being so dense
and thinking you'd be safe without your only son's presence

I don't know where you are

I don't know if you are

I just know every birthday of yours
is harder than fighting the sentence of life

and your 67th is in 2 months
just 1 month after my 31st

as we get older the numbers
seem to mean so much more

and I don't know if you'll ever read this

but my wish is that you do

and know no matter the unwritten letters
or the unanswered texts

or lack of an address
or division by miles and fences

you owe me no apologies

you owe me no regrets

I just hope with every atom in my body you got
that last text I sent from that contraband phone

and that the last 3 words
are the last thing from me you ever read

but just in case you didn't

I love you